Without going too much into the whole debate on whether or not the American Dream is still alive, I have experienced first-hand how dreadfully complicated, slow and expensive the immigration process is nowadays. From my other blogs (and if you follow the news) you will also know democracy and equality are currently very much under threat. The work ethic here is ‘live to work’ and not ‘work to live’, which can definitely help you achieve success, but at the same time the disparity gap is getting bigger every day. I’d like to point out these differences because I think the Unites States has changed a lot in the past 5-10 years, which also had an effect on some of the core values American society was built on. Before you pack your bags and want to start a new life in one of the most powerful nations in the world – know what you’re getting yourself into!

2. immigration is really really hard

Who hasn’t heard of the show ”90-day fiancé” and its many spin-offs? Even I had to deal with people saying that my situation was ‘just like that of the TV program!’ and let me set the record straight: that show is NOT a depiction of real life. Many couples on that show barely know each other before they get engaged, and once they do, immigration is just a breeze. No waiting times, no problems paying a large amount of money, no stress from having someone evaluate your entire relationship and decide your future for you. 

I will write a blog just dedicated to my immigration timeline and experience, but what I can tell you now is that it is not and easy thing to do. At times, it will feel like the world is working against you. It will feel so unfair, needing to have the patience of a saint and a savings account, just to be with the one you love. Once you finally have that visa in hand – it’s just the start of a long and painful immigration procedure that you have absolutely no control over. And it’s like they are setting you up for failure. You will barely have any rights once you are married to your American spouse and will have to wait anywhere from 6 to 12 months to finally be able to establish your life here: to work, to open a bank account, to get a driver’s license. All of that while being locked inside the country (you are not allowed to leave the country until your paperwork is in order). 

We had a strong relationship and  were committed to making it work, but immigration still managed to break me. It’s a lot to deal with, and it puts a lot of pressure on your marriage as well. 

Not to mention I am from The Netherlands, have a Masters degree, and speak several languages. Not everyone gets treated the same way as an immigrant in America, and not everyone is as ‘lucky’ as I am. 

3. The american hospitality 

Whereas in The Netherlands, inviting someone to your home is kind of a big deal, in America you can almost just walk right into someone’s house. Their fridge is your fridge; suit yourself! Their idea of ‘hosting’ is a lot more casual and laid-back than it is in The Netherlands. The house doesn’t need to be tidy and cleaned up, and a first-time visit is usually not accompanied by a tour of the house. If you are the guest, there aren’t as many expectations you have to meet either. While you can very easily make friends here, the downside is that it’s hard to get past all the small talk, and it will take you a lot of time and effort to really get to know someone. In my experience, a lot of relationships are quite superficial compared to European standards. The kisses (and sometimes the hugs) when you greet or say goodbye to friends are also not done. 

In terms of hospitality, you will notice the ”I am your friend” mentality everywhere: In the supermarket, a bank, restaurants, or even from strangers on the street. Be prepared to be asked the extremely overused ”how are you”, and occasionally questions such as ”how is your day going” and ”what are your plans this weekend”. Not something I would really like to tell the cashier in the local supermarket… But they are just doing their job (and can apparently lose it if they don’t show interests in customers)! 

4. most americans are not very direct

This is very dependent on where you live; East or West Coast. The saying goes that people from the East Coast are cold, rushed, and somewhat rude. People on the West Coast are considered to be warmer and more open-minded. Dutch people are known for being direct, open, and somewhat rude as well, so I think I would fit right in with the East Coasters! I can’t speak for all States or all Americans, but overall a lot of people are really good at beating around the bush. It can take a while before you know what they really mean, as people tend to not get straight to the point. That can be very annoying for Dutch people, since we love just speaking our minds. We grew up in an environment that doesn’t punish you for doing so. You aren’t considered rude if you quickly get to the point and avoid unnecessary small talk. You are also not considered blunt when you are openly speaking about certain taboo topics, such as drugs, racism or sex. Luckily, most Americans that I’ve asked find it ‘refreshing’ to have someone be so direct and open about things.

5. some of the stereotypes are right!

The cars are big, the houses even bigger, and drive-thru’s are EVERYWHERE! Especially now during Covid-times, these drive-thru’s are very convenient. It’s not just for food, there are also ATM drive-thru’s, post office drive thru’s, coffee drive-thru’s.. 

Burgers can be found anywhere. In the couple of blocks around my apartment building, there are already 6 different burger chains. On the plus side, I’ve also had the best burgers of my life in this country!

Groceries are definitely more expensive compared to The Netherlands, but going out for food (and not just fast food) is a lot more affordable. Whereas eating out in The Netherlands is much more of a social happening that you don’t do that often, here in The States it’s a lot more like ‘grabbing a quick bite to eat’. It depends on where you live, but here in Portland, Sport Bars are huge and thus eating out is sometimes accompanied by large tv screens that are very distracting and take away part of the social aspect. 

A non food-related remark I have that’s part of the American stereotype is the many ”I love you’s” that are constantly being exchanged between partners, parents and kids. It usually follows the end of a phone call and replaces a regular ”bye”. Personally, I feel like the phrase loses some of its meaning by being overused. I can’t speak for every Dutch person here, but in my family it isn’t really common to say ‘I love you’ to your family members. It’s kind of a heavy thing to say. 

6. the flag overkill

You literally cannot ever forget where you live, because the second you step outside there will be at least one American flag proudly waving in the wind. I honestly can’t tell you whether this is a patriotic thing or serves some other purpose, but it is definitely fascinating for Europeans to see that many flags out every day. In The Netherlands we actually have a law that determines on what days we can raise the flag, which includes Liberation Day, Kingsday, and (this one seems weird to non-Dutchies) when we graduate high school. Apparently you can get fined when you display the flag on other days, though I’m sure that isn’t really enforced by anyone. 

7. you see armed security guards everywhere – and guns

Also very dependent on where you live in the States, but here in Portland you see armed security guards in every supermarket, bank, mall, gas station, etc. In our case we even see them about every 15 minutes outside our apartment. Sure, I’ve seen security guards in some stores in some big cities in the Netherlands, such as Amsterdam and The Hague, but they’re still not as prevalent as here. You very quickly get used to there always being security guards around, but when you really need them.. they somehow are nowhere to be found. From an outsiders’ perspective, I have to admit that I am unsure whether it makes me feel safe or not. But I guess this goes hand in hand with one major cultural difference: guns here are legal. The exact regulations regarding carrying a weapon are state dependent, but I have seen people with guns. That was very surreal to me!